With Joe Monahan taking a break from the flood of news gushing out of Santa Fe, here's our humble attempt to introduce the first annual #PartyLikeSusana writing contest.
BY DAN VUKELICH
911 operator: “9-1-1. What’s the nature of the emergency?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. I didn’t hear you.”
Caller: “This is Governor Susana Martinez. Chucky won’t pass the Parmesan cheese. Get some cops over here to make him do it. It’s bad enough I have to eat these friggin’ anchovies.”
Operator: “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but that doesn’t qualify as an emergency.”
Caller: “I’m here with my husband and my disabled sister and we’re eating pizz-zah and drinking cokes. I’m the governor of New Mexico. Give it to me. Now.”
Operator: “Ma’am …”
Caller: “Look, sonny. Don’t make me come over there. The last time I dealt with you people and those weasel Santa Fe cops, it went badly for everyone. I got trashed in the media, the cop who taped me is facing discipline, the hotel lost its liquor license, the hotel clerk is being audited by tax and rev and the woman who phoned in that bogus noise complaint has disappeared. … You get my drift?”
Operator: “But, ma’am, you were trashed.”
Caller: “Don’t interrupt me! And the people that allegedly, and I stress, allegedly, threw beer bottles off the balcony of room 465 have been fired. So don’t make me send Jay over there or you’ll be trying to qualify for food stamps – unsuccessfully I might add.”
Operator: “I just can’t do it. It’s wrong.”
Caller: “Dammit [to someone away from the phone]. Hanna. Call my security detail and see if they can go over to Kaune’s and get me some damned cheese. Doesn’t anyone in this miserable state realize I’m the governor of New Mexico?”
Channel your inner Monahan
With Joe Monahan taking a break from the flood of news gushing out of Santa Fe, that’s our humble attempt to introduce the first annual #PartyLikeSusana writing contest.
Here’s the deal: Write 300-700 words on “Pizz-zah-gate” or a related Susana topic and get it to us by 5 p.m., Friday, Jan. 8, and we’ll publish the winning entry in the Jan. 13 issue – just in time for the opening of the 2016 Legislature on Jan. 19.
Show us your creative side and your understanding of the dynamics affecting New Mexico politics and public policy in these turbulent times. The winner and authors of any runners-up we publish will receive gift certificates to Aldo’s New York Style Pizza – er, “Pizz-zah.”
What ‘Pizz-zah’ Means to N.M.
We expect the governor to call the bullpen and bring in Lt. Gov. John Sanchez during the next several weeks, as she heads out of state to repair her tattered national image, especially among her GOP gubernatorial peers and a handful of Republican presidential candidates who might be persuaded she’s not damaged goods.
It seems the safest place for her these days is out of state, anyway, away from pesky New Mexico reporters who want to know about the provable lies she and her staff told during that night at the Eldorado Hotel and in the days after.
No slamming doors on KOB-TV photographers, no ducking calls from national reporters – at least not yet.
As Joe Monahan noted in his blog, discontent is growing among New Mexicans tired of waiting for any positive change to come after five years of Susana’s reign. We’re No. 1 on the list of worst-run states; we have the highest unemployment, yet the governor insists on cutting food assistance to the poorest people.
This is what former New Mexico radio personality, Janna Lee Aspin wrote to Joe recently:
“I think of Governor Martinez as the Nero who fiddles while Rome is burning. As you pointed out: highest unemployment rate in the country, schools failing, and I like to add the fact that Fortune has named Albuquerque the worst place in the country for home ownership. I left Albuquerque a year and a half ago after it became clear to me that things aren’t going to change until there are visionary, honest leaders running the state. I’m not holding my breath.”
Dan Vukelich is editor of ABQ Free Press. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org