The rational astrologer aka Elgar B. Hicks, PhD tackles the stars for August 2016.
BY ELGAR B. HICKS, PhD
In March, the Apollo asteroid EF195 passed within 23,900 miles of Earth. To put that distance in perspective, communication satellites orbit our planet at 22,300 miles. EF Apollo’s cousins EN and EV lurk closely, twice as large as the one that caused 1,500 flying-glass injuries in Chelyabinsk, Russia. Should they crash into Earth, they would likely bring about another Ice Age. Scrap your swimming pool cleaning business, Aries, and start shopping around for a snowplow.
As the red planet Mars shines its steady ruby light high in Scorpio this month, you find yourself feeling nostalgic, drawn to the hundreds of Mars Rover mission photos on NASA’s website. They remind you of the Nuevo México and of days past that you loved so long ago — before the influx of casinos and Californians.
“Obsessive thinking is like a hamster wheel in your brain, with a parade of different animals entering and exiting over time,” says cognitive behavioral specialist Bruce Hubbard, Ph.D. Having passed the aphelion, Earth now edges closer to the sun. To celebrate, check your body for ticks and fleas, inspect your natal birth chart for aster-oids and house cusps at 11°-13°, and engage in other pointless rituals.
You’ve gone through three name changes in as many years, switched religions twice and most recently, completely flipped your political affiliation. However, even though your niece is a brilliant law student, even she can’t legally alter your birth date. You’ve always wanted to be an Aquarius, but maybe you should just play the cards you’ve been dealt.
Jupiter transits through Leo in the southwestern sky, bringing your outspoken political opinions to the forefront. Take heart that your spirited posts have not gone unnoticed beyond your wide circle of friends. Peering into your future, Leo, I see you working overtime in a golf ball factory/sweatshop unless you want to be the new gator-fighter at Mar-a-Lago.
Mercury rests comfortably in Taurus, the bull at dawn, enhancing your Ben Franklin-like resourcefulness. Congratulations on the new ATM “skimmer” you painstakingly en-gineered from clandestine internet instructions. This isn’t stealing, Virgo — it’s righteous income redistribution in the tradition of Robin Hood or The Sundance Kid.
The distance at which an orb can withstand the solar wind pressure is known as the Chapman-Ferraro constant. It is calculated from variables such as the radius of the planet, the magnetic field around its equator and the velocity of the solar wind. Push that envelope, Libra. Flow outward supersonically, embracing the interstellar medium. But if you scream, just know that we won’t be able to hear you.
The ringed planet Saturn ushers in the month, rising in the east around sunset, with Mars reaching opposi-tion in Sagittarius. May the Lord have mercy on your enemies during this time, Scorpio! By the time you’ve finished them off in the moon’s third quarter, there’ll be nothing left for even the forensic odontologists to find. Capricorns and Aquarians, be forewarned!
“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask ‘Why?’ I dream of things that never were, and ask ‘Why not?’” This is the type of pensive platitude you post regularly on Facebook in florid font, Sagittarius. I doubt, though, that Robert F. Kennedy was dreaming about an all-nude, human spanking machine at the car wash. You were born 2,004 years too late, Caligula.
Jupiter in Virgo aspects the lunar north node, underscoring your love for truth seeking and freedom and reinforcing your ideology regarding foreign policy, religion and mass immigration. You have a unique and ardent view of how the world ought to be, but no matter how hard you try, nobody will be able to 3D-print a smallpox virus, Capricorn. Be nice when a suitor comes calling.
Henry David Thoreau, high in the pantheon of heroes for Aquarians, wrote that “the mass of men live a life of quiet desperation.” As Neptune egresses your house to enter Pisces, you’re the farthest thing from quiet these days. Nevertheless, the neigh-borhood association wants to put an end to your swinger parties.
Light from the sun takes around 43 minutes to reach Jupiter. The reflection can take anywhere from 35 to 52 minutes to reach Earth, depending on whether Earth is on the same or other side of the sun as Jupiter. Regardless of your orbit, Pisces, you’re almost always running at least an hour or two late yourself. Consider purchasing a smartphone and/or alarm clock and changing it to an Eastern time zone.
Dr. Elgar B. Hicks received a PhD in Hagiography from the Sheboygan Divinity Institute. The author of 27 self-help books, Hicks frequently time-travels; he is currently incarcerated in the year 1864 at the Confederate prison in Andersonville, S.C.