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Phoenix For Summer Vacation?

Phoenix For Summer Vacation?

Phoenix Ranked as 14th Best Place to Spend Summer

Survey Firm Touts Phoenix As A Top Summer Vacation Spot

Apparently They’ve Never Been There

Imagine the joy of it: spending your summer vacation in an open-air furnace.

When the kids bitch about the 115-degree heat, you can douse them with a glass of warm water that 15 seconds earlier was pure ice, and tell them to shut up because it’s a dry heat.

And when the elastic in your underwear and socks melt, you can peel it off your blistered skin and race to the emergency room and get treated for second-degree burns.

That’s, of course, if you decide to spend your summer vacation in the inferno that is Phoenix.

And you might consider vacationing in Phoenix in August if you were naive enough to buy into the latest WalletHub survey which lists the Valley of the Blazing and Unrelenting Sun as one of the best places to visit this summer. In fact, WalletHub said Phoenix was the 14th best place to spend your summer vacation out of 80 major U.S. cities.

I like WalletHub, which ranks just about everything, and I can’t wait for it to rank cities based on the shoe sizes of their residents, but its latest ranking is pure insanity.

Phoenix in the summer?

WalletHub based its rankings on the cost of travel, safety, attractions and other things. But apparently no one from WalletHub has ever been to Phoenix in the summer, spring or fall.

As my wife, who once lived in that blast furnace said, “It’s not humanly possible to live there in the summer unless you stay in an air-conditioned dome. People who live in Phoenix don’t stay in Phoenix in the summer. They all have vacation homes.”

And a pal who golfs, put it nicely: “You can blow off a bomb on any golf course in Phoenix in the summer and not injure anyone.”

Some of WalletHub’s other top vacation spots were just as goofy.

Detroit came in as the 20th best place in which to take the family in the summer.

That would probably be accurate if you are looking to get shot or to study the decline of civilization, but not if you’re looking for fun.

St. Louis, which is located in the armpit of the nation, was the 17th best big-city vacation spot. This second-class city has a steel arch near a muddy river, and that’s it. It’s biggest claim to fame is that it’s intolerably humid in the summer.

That’s fine if you want you and everything you own to turn moldy and mildewy in a matter of hours.

Here’s another alleged vacation hot spot: Cincinnati.

The only thing I know about this place is that its baseball team once employed a player who turned into a gambler who got banned from baseball. Other than that, I don’t know anyone who has ever lived, or visited there. And that’s as it should be. No one should ever go there.

Some other alleged top 20 vacation paradises include New York, Dallas, Houston and Salt Lake City.

New York, maybe, but definitely not Dallas or Houston.

The only reason to visit Salt Lake City would be to throw the kids in that big lake and see if they really do float on all that salt. If they float, fine. And if they sink, fish ’em out, end the experiment and drive away fast.

The only legitimate big-city vacation spot on WalletHub’s top 20 list is Chicago. And even that’s iffy. It’s another oppressively humid place where clothes never dry and not even of ton of deodorant or perfume can’t keep you from smelling like mildew.

I suspect that WalletHub has visited Phoenix in the summer. It’s too bad that they wrote their rankings after having suffered heat stroke.

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Dennis Domrzalski is managing editor of ABQ Free Press. Reach him at dennis@freeabq.com.

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