Remember, John McCain spent five years in a communist country. That's proof he's a traitor.
The other morning, I was driving somewhere in Albuquerque hoping I would not be carjacked by the panhandler who was approaching my car with a bottle of water. My emotions ranged from sobbing to screaming because John McCain had betrayed the Republican Party. Then I found salvation at 770 KKOB radio.
It was the day after the Republican skinny repeal of Obamacare had failed on a 49 to 51 vote. Listening intently, I heard caller after caller tell host Bob Clark that history has it all wrong, John McCain was not a hero; he is a traitor!
What? How could this be? Everything I had learned from the media and history books told me McCain was a great war hero. I had only begun to doubt this when President Donald Trump (the greatest man in the history of the world), had said of McCain, “War heroes don’t get captured, they get bone spurs so they don’t have to get drafted!”
Knowing that not all the conservative crazies that call into 770 are that crazy, I parked my car at the nearest Starbucks.
Tossing my car keys to the tattooed man with a gun who was demanding my vehicle, I ran inside. I had questions that needed to be answered.
The barista asked me if she should call the police and I told her, “Hell no! I needed a Java Chip Frappuccino with extra chip and a quiet space to use their internet for the rest of the day.”
Reclining into a very comfortable Starbucks leather sofa, I whipped out my Google Pixel — screw Apple — and began my search for the truth about John McCain.
It was only when APD officers were escorting me off Starbucks property at 10 o’clock that evening that I knew the truth about McCain.
After telling the police that they should be out harassing that damn panhandler with the free water, I used the Uber app to call for a ride home (remember my car was stolen, I live in Alburquistan).
When the Uber driver showed up I hesitated to get inside her car; she was in a Prius! “Damn communist fema-nazi,” I muttered under my breath.
To my surprise the young woman had a Ted Nugent tattoo and quickly apologized for the Prius. “My Chevy Tahoe is in the shop and this is all the car dealership had to loan me,” she said, smiling with just a glint of chewing tobacco between her cheek and gum. I knew I was in love.
Her name tag said, “Jane W. Asp,” and I knew I loved her. My soulmate had been found. I told her I have found out the truth about John McCain, would she like to know?
“The traitor McCain, tell me everything,” she said.
I told her that McCain was a fraud, nothing we have been told has been true.
Accepting her offer of mint flavored Skoal Smokeless Tobacco, I put a pinch between the cold sore on my gum and cheek and began my story.
“McCain was not an American! He was born in Panama. What country is near Panama? Nicaragua. Who became president of Nicaragua? Daniel Ortega, a communist,” I told her.
“McCain then played the part of an American, but he was every bit a Manchurian, a fake, a fraud. He took advantage of our great country, ‘Mercia, and became a naval pilot. All a plot for his master plan of political domination.”
Taking a big breath, I told Jane the bombshell I had found, “I know why McCain voted down the health care repeal. Jane, you won’t believe this but John McCain lived in a communist country for almost six years, and during that time he accepted their socialized medicine. McCain is a communist and he is trying to bring socialized medicine to ‘Merica!”
Jane stopped the car. I could only tell it was stopped because I didn’t see it moving, the Prius is so quiet, but I digress. “You’re right, I knew there was something shifty about him. But what about Sarah Palin?”
“Palin was a stooge, only brought in so the far-right conservatives would vote for McCain and not dig into his history. McCain knew that he would have perfect cover by having a running mate who could see Russia from her porch. The man is diabolical.”
I told her I had not confirmed it, but I believed that one of the doctors that operated on McCain’s cancer was Asian. And since he was darker skinned, he naturally came here illegally and could not be trusted.
The conspiracy was complete. The McCain plan was set in motion 80 years ago to force socialized medicine on ‘Merica. Jane hugged me and we exchanged Skoal Smokeless Tobacco juice. She told me I had to get the truth out, and with that she gave me Alex Jones’ personal number.
“How do you have Info Wars’ Alex Jones personal number?” I asked.
She smiled and said, “Who do you think told him all about Hilary and the child trafficking at the D.C. pizza shop?”
I am going to call Alex Jones. The truth must be told.
John McCain hero?
John McCain traitor?