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Campaign Satire: Colón’s Surplus Cheese And More

Campaign Satire: Colón’s Surplus Cheese And More

Brian Colon still collects and stores powdered milk and government blocks of cheese in his home.

BY PETE DINELLI

It is now six days before the October 3, 2017 municipal election, and I am sure all the candidates are feeling the pressure and are exhausted.

Running for office is as stressful as you can get, and we all could use some laughs. So here’s some alleged satire that I hope everyone finds just a little funny.

Tim Keller stared as Harvey Dent and “Two Face” in a Batman movie and has been seen lately attending a meeting of the campaign ethics board flipping an “in kind” cash donation gold piece while his longtime political consultant from Rio Strategies watched him with adoring eyes saying “my precious, my precious” over and over again. Rumor has it Tim has already talked to the City’s Office of Film promotion about staring in the remake of the classic political movie “The Candidate” that started Robert Redford and Tim has been practicing the last verse of the movie “What do I do now?”

Brian Colon still collects and stores powdered milk and government blocks of cheese in his home. He is eyeing the City warehouses as an alternative storage site for all the excess government cheese he has at home and buried in a cellar in his backyard. Rumor is he has a very good buddy in the New Mexico State Senate willing to set up a call center to sell that cheese so they can make a profit. Brian has also gotten Attorney General Hector Balderas to issue an AG opinion that he does not have to charge nor collect gross receipts tax on internet sales of the cheese sold in bulk.

Gus Pedrotty does indeed still have his wisdom teeth with the other candidates poised to pull them out or strangle him to shut him up. As an alternative, they want to slip him some medical marijuana just to settle him down and slow down his public speaking at all the forums so everyone can understand what he is saying for a change. If things do not go his way, Gus already has an airline ticket and plans to move to Colorado and start his own recreational marijuana business and send all the proceeds to Albuquerque to help our disadvantaged immigrant communities.

As an ex-cop running for Mayor, Michell Garcia Holmes promises to carry a holster with a 57-magnum gun when she becomes Mayor. On the campaign trail, Mitchell has said she is not afraid to use it on all child molesters by shooting them in the groin. She has told other candidates at forums “Well do you feel lucky, punk, well do ya?” while snearing at them like Dirty Harry

Dan Lewis wants to be the next District Attorney or Bernalillo County Sheriff so he can make Albuquerque “the worse place to be a criminal” just like he has watched idly by during the last eight (8) years as a City Councilor telling Mayor Berry what a good job he has done. Dan also promises to open a city sponsored used car lot so that all the crooks can bring all our stolen cars and sell them and give city hall a cut of the action. According to Lewis, no cars stolen from Sidewinders clientele will be allowed to be sold at the city used car lot as per the instructions of Legacy Church Pastor Steve Smotherman.

Wayne Johnson wants to be a Federal Judge so he can deport people who are here illegally, especially Muslims and all those damn rapists and murderers from Mexico. He already has bought a judicial robe and has emblazoned on it in red the initials “CR” for Conservative Republican. Rumor is Wayne is buying stock in a national fence company that sells chain link fence at a discount and he is waiting for a return call from Donald Trump.

Susan Wheeler DiechSel wants to give out free bikes and free walking shoes to everyone in the city and schedule bake sales to raise money to fund our police department. It is rumored Susan is really Martha Stewart in disguise here to serve her federal probation period. Susan gave her identity away at a recent forum when she said “I just love broken ABQ but I have a hot glue gun, I am not afraid to use it, and that’s a good thing!” Once elected, Susan plans to require all uniform police officers to carry glue guns on their utility belts.

Ricardo Chaves wants to make civic plaza and our city parks and city golf courses into parking lots. The Chavez plan is to charge $3.00 a day for overnight parking to solve our city budget problems. His city slogan to attract business will be “Mi parking lot es su parking lot.” As a sign of solidarity with our senior citizens, Ricardo plans to eat all of his lunches and dinners at the Senior Citizens Centers and intends to pay for everyone’s food out of his own pocket, but he does intend to charge $2.00 an hour for parking at the centers.

Mayor Richard Berry was seen after his last State of the City address before NAIOP handing out his resume to its members while Terri Cole from the Chamber of Commerce kept rubbing his back saying “Your going to be alright. You still know how to handle a hammer and cut wood!”

Dennis Domrzalki and Pete Dinelli of the Albuquerque Free Press were seen at the last mayoral forum sitting in balcony seats like the two old guys in the Muppets making fun of the candidates, while Pete mumbled, “It should have been me, it should have been me.”

CONCLUSION

There are times politicians, including myself, and the press take ourselves far way too serious.

There is nothing wrong or offensive about poking fun at elected officials and those who run for office.

What is wrong and that is offensive is for voters not to get out and vote.

Please vote on October 3, 2017 for the candidate of your choice and do not hold it against people who may vote for another candidate.

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Albuquerque’s definitive alternative newspaper publishing an inquisitive, modern approach to the news and entertainment stories that matter most to New Mexicans. ABQ Free Press’ fresh voice speaks to insightful and involved professionals who care deeply about our community.

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  • Art
    October 2, 2017, 8:23 pm

    Enjoyed this writing, I really like the conclusion. Perhaps funniest to my mind was, "Gus Pedrotty does indeed still have his wisdom teeth with the other candidates poised to pull them out or strangle him to shut him up. As an alternative, they want to slip him some medical marijuana just to settle him down and slow down his public speaking at all the forums so everyone can understand what he is saying for a change."

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Dennis Domrzalski is managing editor of ABQ Free Press. Reach him at dennis@freeabq.com.

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